Sound of train
I'm writing this blog not on my device, so I have no other choice but to use the Queens language. An hour of train sound is turned and all of my amazing thoughts are ready to be unleashed.
This weekend I had tickets to go to Gdańsk, but because of my health I had to return to the „sick bitch” mode (LSDXOXO - Sick Bitch). I still feel very vulnerable and unsure of my ability to fulfil my plans. On one hand my trip to Mazury as a class i took at my university allowed me to go to the woods for 2 weeks of studies, swimming in the lakes, a lot of hiking and knowledge seeking. But most importantly that trip made me believe I can do anything. I was so proud of myself for completing this physically and mentally intense course, so even when I came back to Warsaw I felt like I was in the red bull commercial. Without me planning it like this, but on the second day after chemo, unlike myself I was extremely busy. I was writing mails, going to the dentists (my tooth got chipped eating a sandwich), had an intense interview where I unrevealed my life drama. I think even subconsciously I understood how important it is to keep the momentum, keep doing stuff i want to do.
So I was invited to meet my soon to be priest friend. He is planning to leave online society for a year and join a catholic „bible camp for potential future priests”. And as a farewell little journey and a coming out as a priest to his family, I was meant to meet them at Gdańsk. I know you are all excited and would really like to read more about a 21 year old who wants to become a priest, to hear the juicy tea about his family reaction, but this is my story!
Poor me has to do chemo, and chemo is bad bad. All the little blood cells start to die after chemo, and all the little bad thingies want to infect that juicy wilting young man, so I usually get sick, as I did the day before the departure. Moreover, a couple of days before that my scooter suddenly broke and decided to leave me alone at those challenging times. Traitor! So over the course of …two/three days I started crumbling. From all of the extra walking my legs hurt so much, I was moving around the house like a cartooney golem or a creepy witch. I caught some infection and got prescribed antibiotics. At that point i didn't want to go for the sake of the trip, I wanted to be there for my friend. But soon enough, with tears in my eyes, I had to return the tickets and tell my friend the tragic news.
My friend will be fine. He's incredibly kind, intelligent and responsible. I have no doubts his family will get over the catastrophic news and he doesn’t really need me, he doesn’t. But I needed to be needed? I wanted to help, to be useful and to bring happiness to people who are important to me. I wanted to travel, to change the scenery, to feel self-sufficient and strong, to show a middle finger to the stupid IV-bags that once a month poison my life. But I was proven wrong. I am not strong… At least not strong enough, I'm not self-sufficient, as I'm not at home and I’m being taken care of, crying and sleeping every now and then. Of course I can start the narrative „I’m strong despite all of the advercities im facing”. That won’t be a lie. The fact that I'm dealing with all of this makes me strong. I made a tough decision not to risk my health getting worse and ending up searching for a hospital in another city. I can say all the soapy inspiring things about me, and it all would be true.
I think me being weak or sick is also an OK thing… yes, it sucks, it sucks so much this blog should be age restricted, but it doesn't mean everything is bad. My plans get cancelled, I feel defeated and drained, and rather than being angry and sad about it, I would rather just feel sick and weak. We all are sick, we all are weak, but some are better at pretending they aren’t?
I've just found myself so sad, craving silence and slumber. At this point I want to believe L (an important person in my life) that it's not always like this. He’s right, I will feel better and some day I'll travel and experience the comming out of some priest, but now all I feel is pain, weakness and the consequences of a stupid IV bag i took two weeks ago,
Did it win? No. I’m not fighting it. I didn't lose to anyone, I didn't lose anything, I'm not strong or weak, I'm not able or disabled, I'm not progressing or regressing, I'm just taking a nap because I'm sick.
This weekend I had tickets to go to Gdańsk, but because of my health I had to return to the „sick bitch” mode (LSDXOXO - Sick Bitch). I still feel very vulnerable and unsure of my ability to fulfil my plans. On one hand my trip to Mazury as a class i took at my university allowed me to go to the woods for 2 weeks of studies, swimming in the lakes, a lot of hiking and knowledge seeking. But most importantly that trip made me believe I can do anything. I was so proud of myself for completing this physically and mentally intense course, so even when I came back to Warsaw I felt like I was in the red bull commercial. Without me planning it like this, but on the second day after chemo, unlike myself I was extremely busy. I was writing mails, going to the dentists (my tooth got chipped eating a sandwich), had an intense interview where I unrevealed my life drama. I think even subconsciously I understood how important it is to keep the momentum, keep doing stuff i want to do.
So I was invited to meet my soon to be priest friend. He is planning to leave online society for a year and join a catholic „bible camp for potential future priests”. And as a farewell little journey and a coming out as a priest to his family, I was meant to meet them at Gdańsk. I know you are all excited and would really like to read more about a 21 year old who wants to become a priest, to hear the juicy tea about his family reaction, but this is my story!
Poor me has to do chemo, and chemo is bad bad. All the little blood cells start to die after chemo, and all the little bad thingies want to infect that juicy wilting young man, so I usually get sick, as I did the day before the departure. Moreover, a couple of days before that my scooter suddenly broke and decided to leave me alone at those challenging times. Traitor! So over the course of …two/three days I started crumbling. From all of the extra walking my legs hurt so much, I was moving around the house like a cartooney golem or a creepy witch. I caught some infection and got prescribed antibiotics. At that point i didn't want to go for the sake of the trip, I wanted to be there for my friend. But soon enough, with tears in my eyes, I had to return the tickets and tell my friend the tragic news.
My friend will be fine. He's incredibly kind, intelligent and responsible. I have no doubts his family will get over the catastrophic news and he doesn’t really need me, he doesn’t. But I needed to be needed? I wanted to help, to be useful and to bring happiness to people who are important to me. I wanted to travel, to change the scenery, to feel self-sufficient and strong, to show a middle finger to the stupid IV-bags that once a month poison my life. But I was proven wrong. I am not strong… At least not strong enough, I'm not self-sufficient, as I'm not at home and I’m being taken care of, crying and sleeping every now and then. Of course I can start the narrative „I’m strong despite all of the advercities im facing”. That won’t be a lie. The fact that I'm dealing with all of this makes me strong. I made a tough decision not to risk my health getting worse and ending up searching for a hospital in another city. I can say all the soapy inspiring things about me, and it all would be true.
I think me being weak or sick is also an OK thing… yes, it sucks, it sucks so much this blog should be age restricted, but it doesn't mean everything is bad. My plans get cancelled, I feel defeated and drained, and rather than being angry and sad about it, I would rather just feel sick and weak. We all are sick, we all are weak, but some are better at pretending they aren’t?
I've just found myself so sad, craving silence and slumber. At this point I want to believe L (an important person in my life) that it's not always like this. He’s right, I will feel better and some day I'll travel and experience the comming out of some priest, but now all I feel is pain, weakness and the consequences of a stupid IV bag i took two weeks ago,
Did it win? No. I’m not fighting it. I didn't lose to anyone, I didn't lose anything, I'm not strong or weak, I'm not able or disabled, I'm not progressing or regressing, I'm just taking a nap because I'm sick.
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